Added-3/21/10 My blog has moved to kdrausin.wordpress.com/2010/03/21/out-of-t
Thank you, Krista
In between dancing with the middle school students and driving my kids to all their activities, I’ve been hard at work revising Mystic. I had hoped to be done by February 20th but discovered I was too ambitious with my work load. Books take time and I have proof. Here is a link to Kristin Cashore’s blog. kristincashore.blogspot.com/2010/03/mond
Thank you for joining this fan page. I’m blessed to have the support of so many people. You Rock!
March has been my month for new experiences. There was spin class and Latin dance class at the gym to which I looked quite goofy but not as goofy as trying to keep up with the middle school girls as they danced to Tambourine. That’s my other new experience, life as a middle school dance teacher at my son’s school. I’ve found it exhilarating and exhausting. I get to listen to good music and move around in comfortable shoes but there is nothing quite like the energy of a middle school classroom. I’ve come to the conclusion that middle school teachers have to have a tremendous amount of patience, great sense of humor and the stamina of a professional athlete.
My daily routines of the past few months have been flipped up-side down and now here I sit in my sweats, barefoot, typing away when I should be watching LOST and eating chocolate.
No, I’m not editing Mystic. I have to take it one night at a time as I train my body to write during these late hours. Besides, I took Mystic to school today knowing I’d have time alone while the students finished their FCAT test. I read three chapters of Mystic, pencil in hand and decided they were all junk and I had to start over. I’ll tackle that after the DAC meeting tomorrow night. For now, I’m easing into my new schedule with some easy writing-this journal.
And I’ve decided to play a game that the middle school students enjoyed today. It’s called, Find the Fib. It’s a Kagan activity to bring classrooms together. My husband also uses it in his training seminars. Here’s how it’s played. I will list four things about myself. Three are true and one is the fib. Readers of this journal have to guess which one is the fib and post it in the comments section. Then feel free to play along and list three or four things about yourself and I’ll try and guess. Other readers may guess too. Just click the comments button below to leave a comment. Feel free to pass this on and see how many players we can get. I’m looking forward to some interesting facts and fibs.
Find the Fib
I sat in the Honda dealership feeling numb. I repeated in my mind over and over, I should be happy; I’m getting a new car. I’m blessed, lots of people would be happy if they were getting a new car. What’s the matter with me? I feel nothing, perhaps a little sad. I couldn’t understand why letting go of my old car was so difficult. Shouldn’t I want something new? It’s a car-be happy.
I chose a pretty green CR-V more fitting to my personality than silver, the color of my Pilot. The two cars sat next to each other in the parking lot. Old me, new me. I felt an urging to run up to my Pilot and give it a big hug goodbye. When the salesman told me it was going to auction, I felt hollow and wanted to cry. My baby, I’d never see it again. I clearly didn’t want to let it go.
I remembered how the Pilot protected me when the little old lady who could barely see over her steering wheel, ran a stop sign and slammed into my door. I walked away without a scratch. Eric and I drove the little old lady home with her front bumper in our backseat. I thought about my trip to
Whenever I have difficulty in understanding what I’m feeling, I pick up Sue Monk Kidd’s, FirstLight. I’ve read it and listened to it on CD many times. Her writing and her continuous search for meaning, inspires me.
As I sat reading, my mind flashed back to my 13th birthday. My grandparents were having a huge garage sale because they were selling their house on
Woodrow Wilson said that if you want to make enemies try to change something. I can understand why. It is much easier to live complacent following daily habits year after year than it is to face the unknown. It is difficult to let go. In the times when I have the greatest fear of change I know that I lack trust. Spiritually, I am depleted. I know that I must slow down and listen to the silence. Trust is the ointment that soothes the sting of change.
I have had my CR-V for two days. I park it and when I return I look for my silver Pilot and remember. I climb in and smell the newness of change. When fear disguised as sadness tries to creep into my thoughts, I take a deep breath, pop in my favorite CD, feel the warm light on my face and remember that I am not what I possess, I simply am.
Many years ago when I performed in plays and musicals I used to create monologues for my characters in order to help me understand them better. I suppose it was during my acting days at AMDA that a drama teacher taught me to give each character a secret that only I knew. For instance if I was playing a young girl meeting a boy for coffee my secret might be that I was desperately in love with him. Or my secret could be that I knew the boy was my step brother. The scene would play out differently using each of those scenarios as my secret.
Jump ahead several years and now I am doing the same thing with the characters in my novel. The chapter I am editing now is particularly challenging because I am telling a story within a story and I need to make sure the two are linked together. There must be a clear relationship between the two stories. This morning I took my character Sri, and gave her a journal. I needed to hear her voice tell the background leading up to her story within Mystic. Does that make sense? In other words, I always knew what happened in her past leading up to her appearance in Mystic but I needed to write it from her perspective. It is amazing what little gems appear when characters are allowed to speak for themselves.
What does Sri have to do with Amelia and Greg? Well, you’ll have to wait until the book is published to find out. I can give one little hint…Sri may be related to one of them.
Entry: I have learned to calm the mind of a wild beast, to turn a stick into silver and to fly amongst the Seer Dragons but I cannot stop the bursting excitement that flows through my body every time I see him. It’s as if a breeze brushes over my heart and I must breathe deep when he is near in order to keep my composure. He is only a man not a wizard yet he appears to have placed a spell on me. This is unacceptable and I must stick to my path. My future has been carefully planned. I have great gifts. I am Queen Fredonia’s only daughter. A daughter in need of a spell to wipe away thoughts of handsome strangers.
Entry: I have decided to speak to him. My jumbled emotions are getting the best of me and I cannot focus on my studies. Surely when I speak to him I will learn of his daftness and get over my sickness. Enough is enough. Ralient has been odd lately. Our friendship seems strained. He looks at me with distant eyes. Though I have given him no reason to believe I have feelings for the stranger, I worry he knows my heart too well. His desire for me is no secret. I feel only friendship for Ralient and I don’t want to hurt him, yet fear I will.
Entry: There is a light shining from within me that I cannot dim. No spell can replace the happiness that colors my world that once was clear. James, his name is James and he is kind, intelligent and brave. We have spent the past month together and I have learned much about his world. It is not a place I wish to visit. When James is with me I feel content, safe, at peace and my mind is far from my studies and full of only him. We spend our days escaping to the forest and the White Mountains. I have shown him Mystic’s beauty in hopes that he will want to stay. Today he took my hand during our walk. I had to remind myself to breathe. Then I felt a tinge of annoyance that Queen Fredonia’s daughter could let herself become so vulnerable in the presence of a man. I thought of my great power for only a brief second before James interrupted me. He stopped, took me in his arms and kissed me. I felt the stubble from his beard on my chin and that familiar breeze across my heart. My tears dripped onto his collar.
Suddenly, I felt piercing heat on my back like arrows shot from a distance. A pair of eyes were watching us, cursing us. I stiffened and turned to face them. I felt his pain and knew that I had hurt Ralient deeply. A line had been crossed and my once perfectly planned life was now unpredictable. I knew I could no longer allow myself to act like a helpless child. James was in danger. Ralient’s power was only surpassed by his jealousy. Now, my only concern is whether or not my powers are strong enough to protect the man I love from the man who was my best friend.
We have a closet next to our front door. It has become a dumping ground for shoes, rip sticks, basketballs, seasonal decorations and rarely used coats and sweaters. I cringe every time I have to open it. There’s no light and usually a pile has built up on the floor and I never know what might fall out and injure my bare feet.
Two or three times a year I get fed up and pull everything out of the closet, vacuum up all the dirt from the shoes and put everything back in neatly. Then I think…Oh if only my friend Kim could see me now, she’d be so impressed. Kim was my super organized friend in high school who tried with her best effort to keep me organized. By our senior year she gave up and just laughed when she saw all the papers shoved into my notebook. “It’s here somewhere…I know I have it.” Kim would sit there and shake her head.
My closet is in its worst state right now. I feel a looming dread inside followed by-why should I clean it? Everyone’s going to mess it up again anyway? In the past my instructions to our family to keep everything in its place has failed miserably. It’s the open the door and toss it in, closet. And it’s my job to create some kind of order to the chaos.
Yesterday, while thinking about cleaning the closet - I’m usually not an immediate doer, especially when it comes to cleaning closets. I have to let jobs simmer in my mind for awhile before I take action. Once I decide to take action though, stay out of my way, I attack jobs with extreme focus until they are complete. Just ask any of my family members. They stay far away from me when I’m writing or cleaning for company. Yesterday, while thinking about cleaning the closet (See how I get off track so easily…that’s probably why I was never organized in high school. I’d have a paper in my hand and already be thinking about two or three unrelated topics. I’d shove the paper anywhere because I had already moved on.) Yesterday, while thinking about cleaning the closet,..... I realized that the closet is a lot like my life.
I have a massive list of responsibilities piled up inside me. My family which includes many pets, a novel, this journal, housework, work, maintaining friendships, school meetings, volunteering, learning, and keeping fit are at the top of the pile. Sometimes I become overwhelmed. I want to give a hundred percent to everything and when I discover I can’t, I feel as though I have failed. That’s when I need to breathe and organize my inner closet. I have to put everything in its place neatly so I can see what I need to focus on each day. Feng Shui for the soul.
I always feel a great sense of accomplishment and control once all the decorations and shoes are neatly organized. I usually walk away wondering why I let the closet get so messy in the first place. I realize that I spent more time and energy getting upset about the chaos than actually doing something about it. It’s the same with my life. When I organize my responsibilities individually and tackle them one at a time, I accomplish a great deal more and I feel a sense of peace. I no longer see a giant insurmountable mess. I see blessings and I am reminded to be thankful for all that I have - even messy closets.
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